1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,921 ? It seems today that all you see ? 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,174 ? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ? 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,844 ? But where are those good old-fashioned values ? 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,847 ? On which we used to rely? ? 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,476 ? Lucky there's a family guy ? 6 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,604 ? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ? 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,064 ? All the things that make us ? 8 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:25,024 ? Laugh and cry ? 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ? 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,076 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:37,495 Hey, kids, don't be left out 12 00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,580 this Christmas... Top your wish list with 13 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:42,834 the toy of the season, Happy Asking Panda! 14 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,586 Made in China, Happy Asking Panda has 15 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:47,171 many questions for you. 16 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,923 What is your favorite color? 17 00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:51,092 What is your parents' political affiliation? 18 00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:53,594 What is your approximate household income? 19 00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:56,764 All of these questions and so many more! 20 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,432 His eyes light up when he's happy, 21 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,018 or when credit cards are held in front of him! 22 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,895 Hold Happy Asking Panda over the keyboard 23 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:06,440 while entering passwords and watch him dance. 24 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:09,193 I love you, Happy Asking Panda! 25 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:11,362 Upload complete! 26 00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:12,947 Order today and it will arrive 27 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:15,783 for happy American Christmas and time of wonder. 28 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,452 Children of american government employees get 20% off. 29 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:20,580 I must. 30 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,082 Have. That. Toy. 31 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,250 What, are you serious? 32 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,793 Of course I'm serious, I'm a child 33 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,336 and I just saw a commercial! 34 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:28,629 Or maybe you don't want me to have 35 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:29,922 a happy American Christmas. 36 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,924 Of course I do. But do you really not 37 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,884 see that you're crassly manifesting 38 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,888 the very consumerism on which Christmas is built? 39 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,682 Chris, can you please put the dog out? 40 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,850 Yes, sir! 41 00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:44,812 Thank you, Chris. 42 00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:45,938 Hey! 43 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,565 It's very cold out here. 44 00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,984 Okay, everyone, time to leave for the traditional 45 00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:51,652 town tree lighting ceremony. 46 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,487 What's happening now? I can't hear her. 47 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,364 Sweet. Tree lighting. 48 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,742 Guess that means it's showtime. 49 00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,201 Wait, what is this? 50 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,494 Oh, nothing. 51 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:01,746 Just my own tradition 52 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,581 of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs 53 00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:05,875 in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lighting. 54 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:08,753 Okay, we get it, Meg, you're dark and different. 55 00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:11,213 Wow, Meg really is dark and different. 56 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:13,257 Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg." 57 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:15,051 'Cause of my big bag of eggs. 58 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,219 I hope you guys don't start calling me that, 59 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,971 but you can if you want to. 60 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,598 Oh, is this the "Meg the Egg" thing? 61 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:22,392 Yeah, no one's on board with that. 62 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:32,360 Whoa, Quahog! 63 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,278 Whoa, there! Whoa! 64 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,280 Whoa. 65 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,782 Welcome, one and all, 66 00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,743 to the annual tree lighting ceremony. 67 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,703 All right, Meg the Egg! 68 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,581 Huevo me! 69 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,750 Mmm, perfect yolks this year. 70 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,627 Four and a half minutes. 71 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,713 Now, don't you worry, y'all will have a chance to line up 72 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:56,258 and meet Santy and let him know what dry goods you need. 73 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,177 And right here in front of City Hall, 74 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,263 I'm placing this wooden nativity scene that I whittled myself 75 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,933 from a beech tree what was rat-tailed 76 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:08,730 by lightning in the recent meteorological electricities. 77 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,567 Oh, great, just what we need. 78 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,778 A religious display on government property. 79 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,739 Can't believe this is what my tax dollars are paying for. 80 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,450 Last I heard, you never paid taxes in your life. 81 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:23,786 Only 'cause I've never made enough money! Ha! 82 00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:26,455 Brian, I can laugh at a lot of things, 83 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:29,250 but Jesus Christ is not two of them. 84 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,544 Yeah, come on, Brian, it's Christmas. 85 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,921 Have an egg. Enjoy yourself. 86 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,590 Okay, now to light the Christmas tree 87 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,384 by telling this child's toy 88 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,511 my mother's maiden name. 89 00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:43,014 Abernathy. 90 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:49,146 Yay! Very holiday data information! 91 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,275 I guess Santa's getting ready to rack up 92 00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,318 those frequent flyer miles, huh? 93 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,237 Yeah, we all read your tweets, Joe. 94 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,864 Smash that "like" button. 95 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:02,492 Hey, check it out, Peter, it's Ebenezer Pooch. 96 00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:06,370 We should mess with him by putting only 97 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,205 Christmas songs on the jukebox. 98 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:10,040 Cleveland, I got just the song. 99 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,711 ? Life is a highway ? 100 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,713 ? I want to ride it... ? 101 00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:17,423 Wait, what the hell is this? 102 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,009 Only the best Christmas song ever. 103 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,386 I tell you, no matter when I hear this baby, 104 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,388 I start smelling pine. 105 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,015 Joe, this is not a holiday song. 106 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,808 He never once mentions Christmas! 107 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:30,102 No, it's about Santa. 108 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,479 All night long. 109 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,690 On the highway... delivering presents. 110 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,650 The video takes place in a field! 111 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:37,985 In what is clearly summer! 112 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,695 Quagmire, many parts of the world are 113 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,363 arid during the holy season. 114 00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,532 Including where Jesus was born. 115 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,451 Or perhaps the singer's Australian. 116 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,577 He's not Australian! 117 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:48,788 He name-checks Vancouver in the song! 118 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,624 A guy from Australia can't know where Vancouver is? 119 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,334 Feels kind of racist. 120 00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:54,794 Mm-hmm. 121 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,754 Damn it, Joe! We're supposed to be annoying Brian! 122 00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:58,255 Not this! 123 00:04:58,256 --> 00:04:59,507 Oh, okay, I get it. 124 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,258 Everybody pile on the one person 125 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:03,844 who actually sees the truth about Christmas. 126 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:06,180 You know, you guys know all... What this holiday 127 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:09,517 is all about, right? It's all about this. 128 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,143 The world's smallest violin? 129 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,394 A scrotal massage? 130 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,813 "Ah, just like in the old country"? 131 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:16,440 We're more word people than gesture people. 132 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,566 No! Money! 133 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,235 It's all about money! 134 00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:21,362 Is Christmas really so awful? 135 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:24,323 I don't know, I-I just... I can't stand how everyone buys 136 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,242 into this annual mass hypnosis. 137 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:30,287 I mean, like, do not even get me started on Christmas caroling. 138 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,622 No, go ahead. I'm listening. 139 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:32,873 No, that's-that's what I mean. 140 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,291 Like, do not get me started. 141 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:36,210 Trust me, you, you will be here all night. 142 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,420 I've got time. I'm officially getting you started. 143 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,713 Name one thing. 144 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,090 I mean, where do I start? 145 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:42,758 The things I have to say 146 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,219 about caroling. It's like, how long have you got? 147 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,263 I've got all night, no one to go home to... let's hear it. 148 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,807 Yeah, okay... well, I mean, first there's the... 149 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,475 you know, the singing. 150 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,602 You know what, screw you guys! 151 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,521 All right, screw Frosty! 152 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:56,981 Screw Vince Guaraldi! 153 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:59,276 Screw both Rankin and Bass! 154 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:04,280 Well, I'm with him on Rankin, but, come on, what did Bass do? 155 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,742 Stupid Christmas. 156 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,911 What kind of name is Blitzen anyway, what is that? 157 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,247 That's like... that's not a name... it's a football... 158 00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,292 something. 159 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,590 Aah! Son of a bitch! 160 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:38,772 Oh, crap. Why couldn't I have hit 161 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,192 the court-ordered menorah instead? 162 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,946 Thank you! 163 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,912 Aw, crap, this is bad, this is bad. 164 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,707 After all I said, they-they'll probably call this a hate crime. 165 00:06:57,292 --> 00:07:00,170 I've just got to hide the evidence. 166 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:05,925 Ah, I wish someone was here to try to take this from me, 167 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,677 'cause I'd be all like... 168 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,014 No way, you! This is mine! 169 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,476 Now where can I hide an old, banged-up car 170 00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,394 where it'll just blend right in? 171 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,574 I knew this would work. 172 00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,326 Especially after that last flight I took. 173 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,870 Spirit Airlines is now boarding group whatever. 174 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:36,872 Just start punching until you're on an airplane. 175 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,130 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 176 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,841 Our top story: Ho-ho-homeless man 177 00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:49,510 found dead in local alleyway. 178 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:52,513 But first we're joined live by Mayor Wild West 179 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:55,265 outside City Hall, who reports that the town 180 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:58,185 nativity scene he personally whittled has gone missing. 181 00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:01,021 Mayor West, what can you tell us about the disappearance 182 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:03,273 and also about my contested parking ticket, 183 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:05,901 and I'll remind you the tree limb was blocking the sign. 184 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,112 That tree was a hardwood, Mr. Tucker, 185 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,864 and there wouldn't have been a leaf on it till mid-May. 186 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,449 The printing of the restricted times 187 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,535 was also faded, and as to the investigation? 188 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:17,371 Whoever took that nativity scene best sleep 189 00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:20,207 with one eye open, 'cause I'm on your trail. 190 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,251 And I'm gonna hunt you down like the mighty 191 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:26,464 grizzly hunts a Slim Jim left on the dashboard of a Ford Taurus. 192 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,967 I regret that the West has changed. 193 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:32,720 Ah, now I want a Slim Jim. Slim Jim, anyone? 194 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,180 Slim Jim? Never Google what's in it? Slim Jim? 195 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,307 That's rather odd. Who would steal... 196 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,144 A nativity scene? 197 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:44,898 Want to tell me what's going on, champ? 198 00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:46,442 What? Nothing. 199 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,861 Brian, I can tell when you're lying, because your voice always 200 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,696 gets high at the end of your sentences. 201 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:51,947 That's nuts, you don't know what you're 202 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,615 Talking about! 203 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,452 Okay, fine! 204 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:03,333 Yes, it was me. I destroyed the nativity scene with my car. 205 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,169 But you've got to keep your mouth shut about this. 206 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,796 I could be in a lot of trouble. I already hid the evidence. 207 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,174 Did you at least do it right? You burned all the pieces 208 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,759 and sank your car in a lake? 209 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,427 No, I parked it in the Spirit Airlines parking lot... 210 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,137 Oh, because they all drive crappy cars. 211 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,139 That's smart, that's smart. Well, not to worry. 212 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,682 You and I will just leave town 213 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,933 and start a new life together. 214 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,185 What? What are you talking...? 215 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,811 Look, we could buy a house in Cincinnati 216 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,563 for $43,000. 217 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,440 Stewie, I'm not leaving town... Wait, what, seriously? 218 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,859 Yes, pretty big. Three bedrooms. Hardwood floors. 219 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,944 For $43,000? That's insane. 220 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,780 - We could just pay that off. - I know. You could have 221 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,198 that office you've always wanted and we'd still 222 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,075 have an extra room for the baby. 223 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,327 - What? - Or-or a craft room. 224 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,496 Oh, crap, Who's that? 225 00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,706 Howdy, folks. 226 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,584 Just seeing if I might ask y'all a few questions. 227 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,336 Hey, you're the man from the TV! 228 00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:50,048 Please come in, I'm the man from the couch. 229 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,758 Okay, quick, I need an alibi. 230 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,093 Okay, last night you and I were home 231 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,220 watching Dancing with the Stars all night. 232 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,472 That's actually what I was doing all last night. 233 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,390 I thought Tom Bergeron had a great show. 234 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:01,975 One of his better nights. The guy's a pro. 235 00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,143 It's Tyra Banks now. 236 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,728 Brian, I can't do this with you. 237 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,313 And what about you, Peter? 238 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,649 I hear you haven't been brushing your teeth. 239 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,734 - Yes, I have. - All of 'em? 240 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,778 - Most of 'em. - Careful there. 241 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,072 The teeth are the doorway to the body. 242 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:18,742 Now, then, can I speak to your dog who hates Christmas? 243 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,078 Ho-ho-ho! Who have we got here? 244 00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,580 Can I interest anyone in a candy cane? 245 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,707 None for me, thanks. 246 00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:28,127 Ho-ho-okay, your loss. After all, 247 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,004 it is the world's most dangerous candy. The more you eat it, 248 00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:33,132 the sharper it gets, but it's worth stabbing 249 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,592 your own mouth for a sweet that tastes like toothpaste. 250 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,219 I mean, Season's Greetings! 251 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,304 Brian, where were you last night 252 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,723 between 10:00 p. m. and midnight? 253 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,892 Uh, let's see, uh, food bank till 8:00. 254 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,520 Uh, Love Actually... again. 255 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:49,273 And at no time did I watch Tom Bergeron 256 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,899 on Dancing with the Stars because 257 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,819 that would be impossible. 258 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,155 Hmm, that's very helpful. 259 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,699 Oh, good, 'cause I-I hope more than anyone the culprit 260 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,618 who took your nativity scene is brought to justice. 261 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,162 I'm mighty glad to hear that. 262 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,414 Matter of fact, I was thinking a hound like you'd 263 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,542 be just the thing to help sniff out some new clues. 264 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,169 - What do you say? - Uh, yeah. 265 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,129 In-in fact, you came to the right guy. 266 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,173 I was briefly McGruff's sidekick. 267 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,549 Ah, that's Jenny. 268 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,093 - But that's not Jenny's dad. - No, sir! 269 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,344 If she gets into that car, 270 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,930 that may be the last time you'll see Jenny. 271 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:24,183 - Yep! - I'm McGruff the Crime Dog. 272 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:27,102 And I'm Sergeant Bark, because I bark at crime. 273 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,604 See those kids? 274 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:29,897 Every day in this country, 275 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:32,024 60 kids disappear. 276 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,942 - Hey, the bikes fell. - Some run away. 277 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,320 - You want me to get the bikes? - But a lot are kidnapped by strangers. 278 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,363 - McGruff? McGruff? - Or even by people they know. 279 00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:39,907 - Do you want me to pick up the...? - So write to McGruff. 280 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,366 - Oh, you're-you're giving the address. - And teach your kids 281 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,743 - to protect themselves. - I'll get the bikes. 282 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:43,827 Help, uh, 283 00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:44,870 take a bite out of crime. 284 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,623 And don't forget to bark at it. 285 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,131 You know, I've been thinking, Brian. 286 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:57,966 Maybe the first thing we ought to do is 287 00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,968 take an inventory of what's missing. 288 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,970 Could be there's some clues in that. 289 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,388 Yep, sure. Good thinking. 290 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,390 Ah, you're a big Christmas guy. 291 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,477 Remind me, what's in a nativity scene? 292 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:11,313 Nativity scene, sure. Uh, well, you've got your drummer. 293 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:14,733 Uh, probably a bassist, too. Uh, Jesus, of course. 294 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,402 Uh... Mr. Christ? 295 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,113 I'm gonna say Santa, then also the elves. 296 00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:22,491 Uh, the pig who makes friends with a spider... 297 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,409 writes, uh, nice things in its web. 298 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,453 S-S-S-Slater? 299 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,330 Somebody-somebody named Slater? 300 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:30,499 I think he's from Saved by the Bell. 301 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,084 Ah, I knew it sounded familiar, but you know who 302 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,418 we should really be looking at? 303 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,921 People in town who don't even celebrate Christmas. 304 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,340 Like-like... Mort Goldman! 305 00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:39,967 Boo! Boo, Brian! 306 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,095 They've suffered enough. Boo. 307 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,308 "Dear Santa, thank you in advance 308 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,477 "for bringing me a Happy Asking Panda. 309 00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,646 "I've been a very good boy this year, 310 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:55,315 "and while I understand you 'see me when I'm sleeping, ' 311 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,567 "I just want to say that Rupert was the aggressor. 312 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,903 "It may not have seemed that way, but we had agreed 313 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:01,655 "ahead of time on a form of role play 314 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:04,700 that would probably have seemed confusing without that context." 315 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,577 We interrupt this program for breaking news. 316 00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,705 Good evening, I'm holiday replacement 317 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:12,374 anchor Edgar Chavez, alone in the studio 318 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:15,378 and having some trouble locking down the camera. 319 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:22,092 We now take you to a live news conference at City Hall! 320 00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:24,761 Thank you all for coming tonight. 321 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,430 Uh, I think the press conferences mics 322 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:28,098 are still set at standing height. 323 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,725 I've still not learned who stole 324 00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,144 our town's nativity scene. 325 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,313 Easy, Horse, easy. 326 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,190 So until I get some answers, as mayor, 327 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:40,527 I'm officially canceling Christmas in Quahog. 328 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,237 Canceling Christmas?! 329 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,697 Now we'll never know what's behind 330 00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:46,241 the last box on the MandM advent calendar! 331 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,617 It's MandM'S, Peter. 332 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:50,038 - They've all been MandM'S. - You don't know that! 333 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,707 You ate my whole family, 334 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,792 you fat bastard. 335 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,462 One. More. Day. 336 00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,299 Joe? What are you doing here? 337 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,468 Sorry, Peter, I'm on strict orders from the mayor 338 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:07,220 to confiscate all the Christmas stuff in town. 339 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,639 You heard him, Lois. Hand over the Hallmark Channel. 340 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,267 No Christmas means no Happy Asking Panda. 341 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,227 Stewie, I'm so sorry. 342 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:16,813 But you got to understand the position I'm in. 343 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,360 I'll tell you this, Rupert. 344 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,612 I shall not stand idly by while our dog 345 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:26,073 steals my dream of a Happy Asking Panda. 346 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,536 I may just have to send a little text to our mayor. 347 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,164 Yes, I did get a new phone case. 348 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:36,249 It's Malibu Barbie next to a palm tree. 349 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,627 The man at the mall kiosk said it was "girlish," 350 00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,629 and I said, "Yeah? Maybe I think she's hot." 351 00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,006 And he went, "Okay," and I went, "What do you mean by 'Okay'?" 352 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,674 And then he says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 353 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,843 "I just came back from my wife's oncologist appointment." 354 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,512 And I said, "Oh, no. What's wrong?" And he said, 355 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:50,097 "Her melanoma's coming back." 356 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,681 And I said, "I'm so sorry, but they're making 357 00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:53,558 advancements in treatment every single day." 358 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,519 And he goes, "I know, you're right, but still." 359 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,229 And I said, "Just hang in there," and he says, 360 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,147 "Shoot me your digits, our story does not 361 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,650 end here," so we're going out to dinner on Friday. 362 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,820 I love this case. 363 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:09,408 Sir, as you requested, I've transcribed 364 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,411 all your text messages onto pieces of dried cowhide. 365 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,413 These just came in. 366 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,874 "Spirit Airlines parking lit." 367 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,544 "Parking lit." 368 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:23,505 "Parking lit. Asterisk, lot. 369 00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,300 L-O-L." 370 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,861 Looks like we got our man. 371 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,740 And still plenty of time to pick up Aunt Betty. 372 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:54,161 Oh, you really didn't have to do this. 373 00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,831 We both know I did. 374 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,381 Brian, is there anything you want to say 375 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,718 about the Baby Jesus-shaped dent in the hood of your car? 376 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:11,428 Oh, come on, that doesn't prove anything! 377 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,346 That could be any baby I hit with my car! 378 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,558 He was lying about Tom Bergeron earlier. He had no idea. 379 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:19,604 Why don't you open the trunk for me? 380 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,275 No way! No way! 381 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,110 You didn't even hide the evidence?! 382 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:29,863 Brian Griffin, you're under arrest. 383 00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:32,449 Just for destroying public property 384 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:33,825 and fleeing the scene of the crime?! 385 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:36,244 Why are we not leading with drunk driving? 386 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,663 I'm afraid I have to take you to jail. 387 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,582 Oh, no, not Brian! 388 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,250 Do we get the Hallmark Channel back? 389 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,169 Jail?! Are you kidding me?! 390 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:47,172 Wait a minute, you get three square meals in jail, right? 391 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,341 Well, I can't speak for the shape, 392 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,427 but the number sounds right. 393 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,848 Griffin, visitor! 394 00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,976 Hey, Brian, sorry about the sling. 395 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,353 I got shot by an MandM. 396 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,188 Anyway, how's Christmas Eve in jail? 397 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:04,689 You know what, it's great. 398 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,025 At least it keeps me away from all the phony joy 399 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,443 and crass commercialism. 400 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,153 Well, it's good to see you haven't lost 401 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,530 your lack of spirit. 402 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,573 Well, it certainly is great seeing you, Brian. 403 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,952 Hey, guys, unfortunately 404 00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,578 visiting hours end at... 405 00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:19,996 10:14. 406 00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:21,289 Aw! Aw! 407 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,751 It's like we just got here, aw! 408 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:34,553 Ah, best night's sleep in a long time. 409 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,013 I should spend Christmas in jail every year. 410 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:46,273 Stupid families having stupid fun times together. 411 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,984 Reminding themselves their families are... 412 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,945 filled with love. 413 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:58,035 Huh, looks like Stewie got that toy he wanted. 414 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,334 A kid and his bear. 415 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,462 What's more innocent than that? 416 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,217 Aw, they got tennis balls and junk? 417 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,224 I don't even like stupid 418 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,811 new Christmas tennis balls. 419 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,656 ? O come, all ? 420 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,950 ? Ye faithful ? 421 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:43,955 ? Joyful and triumphant ? 422 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,708 ? O come ye ? 423 00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,377 - ? O come ye ? - I don't need Christmas. 424 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:54,549 ? To Bethlehem ? 425 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:59,346 ? Come and behold Him ? 426 00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:01,348 ? Born the King of Angels ? 427 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,308 Why am I crying? 428 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,978 ? O come, let us adore... ? 429 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,647 The "penis" is right, 430 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,482 I do miss my family. 431 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,026 Oh, my God, what have I done? 432 00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,070 I've been so blind. 433 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,947 Sure, Christmas is a commercial holiday largely intended 434 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,784 to prop up a faltering economy, but it's also about family 435 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:23,828 and togetherness and the Hallmark Channel, 436 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,747 which I admit I watch all the time! 437 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,832 Oh, my God, I love Christmas! 438 00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,546 And what happened then? 439 00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,131 Well, in prison they say, 440 00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:39,761 Brian's anus grew three sizes that day. 441 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:42,806 Brian... you are free to go. 442 00:19:42,807 --> 00:19:44,641 What? What do you mean? 443 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,893 I just wanted you to learn that while you thought 444 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:50,563 it was everyone else who'd lost the true meaning of Christmas, 445 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:53,484 it was actually you all along. 446 00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:58,822 So why don't you head outside to your family? 447 00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:00,156 I will. 448 00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,827 But first there's something I've got to do. 449 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,995 Ah? 450 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,166 It's like you killed Him all over again. 451 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,716 Oh, Brian, it's good to have you back. 452 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,634 It wasn't Christmas without you. 453 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,219 I'm happy to be back. 454 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,346 And I'm happy to have my tennis ball. 455 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:28,394 Meg? Lois? You got any more passwords? The panda loves 'em. 456 00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:46,202 The Griffin assets, sir. 457 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,164 At last. $17? 458 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,374 The bear cost $23 to make. 459 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:52,960 Oh, no. 460 00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:59,924 Can't rob America if America's broke! 461 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,969 Merry Christmas, everyone!